xHamster Casts an Unknown as 'Trump' & Adult Stars Line Up to Join Cabinet

After a four-month nationwide search, fans of adult site xHamster have selected an 27-year-old amateur known only as "John Brutal" to star as President Trump in the company’s upcoming hardcore parody series. The would-be Trump’s first scene will be shot in Los Angeles after the site has finalized supporting roles of Bannon, DeVos, Conway and others.

"My intentions at first were just for pure humor. I’m kind of a jokester," Brutal Vocativ reporter Tracy Clark-Flory of his decision to audition. "Now I’m kind of like the dog that got the car. Now I have it and I’m like, 'Shit!'"

Brutal found out about xHamster's search from his brother while clearing the table of Thanksgiving dinner dishes, and since he'd already disguised himself as Trump for Halloween, he figured he'd see if he could parlay the character into a XXX role.

"I’ve always wanted to be an actor. I never thought I was going to be in porn," he said. "Now that it’s an opportunity, I guess I just look at it as an acting job."

“For a role this important, we couldn’t choose an establishment porn star,” explained Alex Hawkins, Vice President of xHamster. “Brutal has it all: small hands, bad hair, and absolutely no experience. We’ll be flying him out to Los Angeles for his initial shoot in the next month, and will begin preparing for the next four years with him.”

Brutal, , whose ten-second audition tape features him calling his co-star "Hillary" a “pig” and “a horrible woman,” entered the contest on a whim, but is eager to join the adult community.

"My fellow Americans, as your newly elected cummander in chief, I want you to rest assured that I've got yuge plans for our great nation,” said Brutal. “I want to be the President of porn for all xHamster fans and I won't stop busting my ass (or busting on asses) until I've helped deliver the most wonderful, the most fantastic, the most beautiful scenes ever filmed. I mean big league cinema, okay?! Friends, trust me, place your sexual futures in my normal-sized hands, and place some lube in yours; together...let's make America cum again."

"Brutal hasn’t told his parents, both Republicans, although he says they're 'pretty cool' and plans to break the news eventually," Clark-Flory reported, adding Brutal's comment, "I’m just looking at it as any other job, except this one I have to be naked and having sex with someone on camera. There are some nerves to that, but I have pretty good confidence. If I fail, then I got a free trip out to California and it was fun."

has already signed on as Trump’s daughter, Ivanka. xHamster is still casting the other roles, but Julia Ann has expressed interest in playing Kellyanne Conway, and Tommy Pistol to play Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto. Other possible roles include Nina Hartley as Betsy DeVos, Ron Jeremy as Steve Bannon... and Jenna Jameson as herself.

“This will be a parody production worthy of the Trump administration," said Hawkins. "While we have little indication that our man can perform the job, we’re confident that if we surround him with talented people, we’ll all get what we want. And if worse comes to worse, we’ll just have him stand around watching women pee on each other and tweeting. It’s a win-win.”

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